You complained that I wouldn't let you have what was yours
​But my body is not yours
I've said that I'm yours, but that doesn't mean you own me
Or my body or my soul
I can love you and still belong to no one
Don't you see?
In a moment of melancholy I let you take me
The way you wanted
Your favorite position, angle, what have you
I tell myself it's fine
Let you have your fun
And then a flash of pain
A triggered memory
I start to cry but I don't let you see
I let you finish because I feel bad
I leave the room and cry
The bathroom my safe little box
You don't know that you've hurt me
Or rather caused me to remember someone who did
I don't blame you
You didn't know
And I didn't realize what I'd locked away
You cry when I can finally breathe again
You hold me when I tell you
You cry
You apologize
I comfort you
A silly reversal of roles

​Without realizing it, in a span of four months, I've written to you twice.
The first was about rain, and the second was about snow.
From September to December, I wrote of wanting to watch different types of weather phenomena with you.
I find it strange to want something so mundane.
A few drops of rain, a flurry of snowflakes, and the desire to share them with you is unequivocally strong.
Some days I'm not even sure what we're doing, why I'm with you, but then I think of the rain, I think of the snow, and then I understand.
Water in any form is still water.
​Even as the seasons change, or my feelings waver, there will always be a cloud.

​I want to watch the snow fall 
I want the seasons to change
I want you to stay even when I question us
Hold my hand as I figure out who I am
Let me go when I need time
I want you to understand me
I want you to stay even when I want to go
Be there
Let me be reckless
Wait for me
Each day like a snowflake
Hopefully leading me back to you
I want to watch the snow fall
Will you be there too?

​I want to watch the rain with you
Drip drip drip
The drops hit the ground 
The birds bathe in temporary puddles
My heart beats in tempo with their wings
I don't know what your heart is doing 
I'm not sure I want to know either 
I don't want to break the illusion 
I just want to watch the rain with you
For as long as I can

​You love the elegance and the grandeur,
Being led and spun and held close, then pushed away, then pulled close once more
The line of young dancers all strangely coordinated and seemingly lighthearted
You ignore the sunken look in his eyes, the defeated smile
He’s only doing this for you
You know it, but you pretend his smile is one of content and his eyes are filled with pleasure
Your hand is in his once more, he’s crushing its pale delicateness into dust
This shell that carries you: it’s frail and obsolete, and you’re cursed to house in it until the end
He knows it
He knows how weak your body is, and how easily he can break it if he chooses to
You’re nothing
Weak, crumbling dust pouring through his fingers and falling to the ground near his feet
You’re his and he will do as he pleases
All you can do is wait
And hope that this dance lasts forever