Like all my troubles before I met you
Please be the water that cleanses me
I love the rain
I might love you
The lightning came before the rain
Like all my troubles before I met you Please be the water that cleanses me I love the rain I might love you
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I like to imagine you write for me
To me About me I suppose I’m just a silly girl A lousy dreamer Too much imagination Too little reality I only hurt myself this way But I love believing in silly things And concern myself with silly trifles But I love you And I will pretend as long as I have to Because pretending you care for me Only hurts me But makes me happy all the same Inspire meYou inspire me
Your being Your writing Your existence I want it all I want you I can’t have you I want you more I need your thoughts I need your dreams I want your words on the page I want you to want me Like that cheesy 90s song I love that song I love you I hate you I hate everything except for you I need your words I need your thoughts Inspire me once more Hate me so I can grow Your silence makes me weak Your absence makes me weep I don’t cry I yearn I long for the days with you I wander alone I weep dry tears I wake in sweat from dreams of you Nightmares because they’re all untrue You aren’t here I’m not there We are nothing We could be everything You don’t want me I wander in darkness I don’t need you I want you I choose this sadness I accept this pain You inspire me There is nothing I can do All choices lead to loving you All end in pain What must I do for you my muse Kill this passion? End this sadness? You inspire me And the pain does just as well It is an extension of you It is the price I will pay every time I cannot let go of you My inspiration My muse A Beautiful Mess amongst the SunflowersMeet me in the sunflower fields
I’ll be wearing all black I’ll be waiting for you Remember when I told you sunflowers were my favorite? They’re my dad’s favorite too I guess I just copied him I miss those days When we talked about everything I miss your hands, and the smell of your skin Do you still have your mother’s wedding band on that chain you always wore? It was so simple, but it was your favorite and only accessory You never took it I miss your laugh And your voice You would always read to me and often times I would cry I could never tell if it was because of the content or because your voice was so hauntingly beautiful Or maybe it’s because I’d think too far into the future To a time when you could no longer read to me I would no longer hear your voice I over think a lot You’d always tell me to relax, but not in a pretentious sort of way You’re the only one who understood The only one who could make the panic attacks easier And eventually lessen Your embrace was safe I was safe if only for a moment I had you You had me; although I’m not entirely sure what you got out of it “I’m sorry I’m such a mess,” I’d often whisper And you’d tell me I wasn’t, but if I wouldn’t believe it then you’d say if I were I’d be “a beautiful mess” I laugh everything I think of it now “A beautiful mess,” how funny You were perfect to me, and perfect for me You were my anxiety medication without the pill popping You were the voice I heard in my dreams, and often still are You were always prepared to fix me up, heal me, and read to me when the thoughts were getting too loud and too frequent to escape You’d kiss my knuckles after I’d punched a few hundred walls, and tell me to start punching you instead I could never do it Remember when I told you sunflowers were my favorite? They’re bright, and welcoming, and peaceful like you I know I asked you to meet me here in the sunflower field And I know you’re not going to make it But I thought maybe if I wanted it enough… you’d find a way I just want to hear your voice one more time Feel your lips against my aching hand The thoughts gets harder to ignore without you I’ve got real pills now, but they do nothing You were the greatest distraction and stronger than any drug My clothes look funny against the sunflowers They’re so bright and I’m not, I’m obscure If you were here you’d fit right in I wish you could see it now You promised me you’d cut me a bouquet from this field You knew sunflowers were my favorite You knew about my though, my fears, my mess, my heart I don’t cry as often as I used to It wouldn’t be the same You won’t be there to dry my eyes with your shirt, even when I told you not to All your shirts seemed to have eyeliner stains after a while, but you didn’t care It gets harder each day I always wait up thinking you’ll walk through the door, but it never happens I broke my hand the other day when thinking about you You were never the reason for my sadness, but now the once happy memories are the source of my outbursts I don’t know if I can keep doing this without you But for now I’ll wait here for you I know you can’t come, but maybe if I want it enough… I’ll lay amongst the sunflowers, hopeful, and calm The flowers are like you, and being surrounded by them is like hearing your voice again Like feeling your embrace You were my sunflower, and I’ll never stop admiring you I SupposeI suppose I understand why you don’t want me
I suppose I understand why I can’t be with you I suppose I understand why we’ll never be together I suppose I understand why you are the way you are I love you, I really do You love, I know you do If I think too much it makes me angry If I think about you as anything more I get sad For some reason I can’t have you You are the way you are I get it, or at least I think I do I suppose it’s just not meant to be Or whatever other bullshit excuse I come up with to help me cope I suppose it’ll all work out for just like you say it will, but it never includes you I’m not sure I want that I don’t want to be with any one right now, but the only exception would be you It’s fucking ridiculous right? A Cliché? We want want what we can’t have and the like It’s all bullshit right? I know it is I suppose it’s true What if i somehow do get you? Will I still want you in the same way? Maybe I’ll get tired of you Maybe I’ll grow to hate you I don’t want that, not at all I suppose I just don’t know what I want I just know that I’d like the option of having you even for a moment I want to hear your voice, and laugh with you Hug you until you’re uncomfortable, but learn to just give in to my embrace Nothing too dramatic or drastic And nothing too plain and boring Anyway I don’t know what I’m saying anymore Just give me a chance I suppose that’s all I really want RepeatEvery day is exactly the same
And you are all the same Names don’t matter anymore I won’t admit to knowing yours any more than I knew that of the last guy I need you in this moment I’ll take on any form if you’ll have me I’ll listen to your music I’ll adapt to your style And when you’re gone I’ll claim it’s all a part of my eclectic taste Take me now Lose me later I need you now, hot and new You can figure out the rest when I’m gone I’ll take your favorite song and make it mine for a little while I’ll replay it like the thoughts of you that won’t leave my mind I love this feeling I hate it too You’ll be fine without me Don’t fall for me because I’ll fall harder And then I’ll be gone It’s all too much I need you now I’ll lose myself in you I need your favorite song I need you around me, on me, in me I am you until I move on to the next You You are just one One song in a sad sack’s playlist It will be all that remains of you The memories will fade But the playlist grows Everyday is always the same I’ll wait for your replies I annoy myself for wanting you I feel so stupid waiting, but it’s always temporary Waiting for you is always the same And I’ll wait for the next you too I’m always waiting Always adapting Always the girl you want me to be until I’m not You are just one song But I’ll replay you until my head hurts and your taste becomes my own And then I’ll forget you And the next You And the next There will always be a you for me to replay And I’ll replay you till I’ve killed you Like the radio kills good music You are the indie band a friend of a friend told me about You are the indie band on the radio No longer relevant even though you are being discovered by another me Maybe I’m just a stupid fucking hipster and you’re no longer “cool” You’re not underground anymore Not in fashion Sucked dry of passion I’ve discovered you I’ve exposed you I’ve killed you Every day is the same Every you is the same Every me kills every you And you will stay on repeat Until the next song plays Until the new you comes along But he’s never new He’s always you Repeat Play PretendIt appears that I have one skill, and that is to get men to fuck me.
I’m a flirtatious, horny mess of a person with large chunks of bad personality stuffed inside my curvy body. I’m in a constant state of depression that sometimes likes to dress up as anything other than sadness, but it’s never really covered up. I want to be cared about, and so I’ll take what I can get. I’ll let you fuck me so I can pretend somebody cares, and when I watch as you put on your clothing to leave I’ll smile. Once you’re gone I’ll cry a bit, blame myself, hate myself a little bit more, but it won’t change me. Maybe I’ll see you again I’ll think, and so the cycle goes on. Maybe you’ll love me once you’ve had me more than once. I’ve heard I’m great, wanna taste? Do what you want so long as I can keep pretending this could be more someday. I need to pretend to survive. Pretending is hope, and it’s all I have. I want to be needed. I want to be wanted. I need you. I want you. I hate you. I loathe myself. I need to feel as though I can be loved even if it’s a silly dream, and I’m just a silly girl. You can have my body, and my love. I’m capable of loving so deeply that it scares me, but no one wants to stay once I start loving them. What’s so bad about being loved? Even if you don’t love me I’ll love you. Isn’t that what everyone wants? To be loved. You can have my body. I’ll even give you my soul if it’s real. I’d give you everything even if you gave me nothing in return. I can’t let this end, so just let me play pretend. Under surveillance.
The consequences of every action must be considered. You hold the key. I am in your prison. Trapped, but unaware. Imprisoned, but told that this is love. Love. Love. Love convinced me to relinquish my freedom. Love. Love. Love is an illusion. You cast the spell. I was hit, deceived, imprisoned. There was no escape because I did not know I was your prisoner. Clever. Trick after trick. You were a magician. Threats are love. Receiving physical pain is love. Cruel words are love. Love. Love. Love is a clever trick, a lie, a prison. I’m always there for everyone else but never myself
I like to exist outside of my body as much as possible But then I have to wake up Get up Walk and talk Function There are only three types of smiles At least for me The first is that which appreciates beauty A lovely countenance, a child’s laughter, a handsome build The second is a result of laughter, real unadulterated joy The third hides a sadness that penetrates every fiber of my being To prevent tears one simply has to smile The bigger the grin the more likely that not a single tear will be shed This does not heal pain, but it shelters one from the judgement of strangers Weakness results in the loss of dignity Pride keeps your heart beating Feet walking Lips and tongue forming words We must not share our sadness with others for they do not care No one gives a fuck Everyone is selfish They care for themselves and no one else No matter how much you have done for others you will receive nothing in return So keep smiling Because no one cares how you really are How you really feel What you really want What you truly need Smile Sleep CycleFeeling special is interesting…
Feelings are interesting It’s all in your head Nothing is real You’re not special Remember that Get it through that thick skull You’re not special You’re just a number The next girl, the seventh girl… Never the last girl Never the only one It’s nice to dream It’s fun to play pretend, but when does it end? When do you wake up? When you’re broken and your fingers can’t move fast enough to write these words? You’re alone And you’re not special Stop pretending Stop hoping Just stop, end the pain You’re hurting yourself more than anyone else ever could Hope is meaningless, searching is desperate Get over it Embrace the loneliness The darkness is your only companion You don’t need him, or her, or whoever you chose to love this week The silence of the night is the only constancy The fun ends, you wake up, you start again, you fall back asleep And on and on and on |
Poetry from the past and presentPoetry is not my forte, but they say creativity is about being vulnerable. So, here lies all that I am, and all that I ever was. Archives
February 2020
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